Sunday, June 15, 2008

The Blues... and Intentions

Lest this blog seem too blissful, I’m ready to add some dissonance to the mix tonight.

For the past few days, really the past week, I’ve been in a funky mood, having a hard time feeling motivated to do anything, and feeling, well, I hate to use the word “depressed” for various reasons (maybe the topic of a future blog entry) but definitely feeling blue. If I have any addiction it is to chocolate, and I’ve been on a feeding frenzy as of late. Three hot fudge sundaes in the past three days. (But oh were they good!)
There are days when being untethered to any job identity or fixed address feels incredibly liberating. And there are days like today when I feel lonely and adrift. Perhaps things are getting stirred up because the ground beneath my feet is shifting once again as I prepare to pack up my stuff from the Monterey room that's been my home base for the past 6 weeks and head to New Mexico this Thursday. I've moved around a lot the past five years, so my rootlessness feels especially highlighted this week.

So I thought it might be helpful to me and interesting for you to look at the intentions I set for myself at the beginning of this sabbatical, back in April. I’ve been enjoying the blog “How to Save the World” by Dave Pollard, and he’s got a nice entry about intentions. So this is resonating with me right now.

First and foremost, my big intention was to open up space and time for at least six months so that I could more deeply understand the conditions for joy, creative, expression, and intimacy in my life. And then create those conditions for the next phase of my life.

More specifically, I outlined four things that I wanted to practice during this time:

1. Stay in touch with my body, especially in times of stress. This has been a foundational practice for me recently in the therapy work I’ve done with Tina Stromsted, a wonderful authentic movement therapist in San Francisco.

2. Place intimacy, love, and connection and friendships at the center of my life. Okay, I forgot to add to my addiction list – I can be a workaholic. That’s where this intention comes in.

3. Keep an unwavering commitment to my own nourishment. Nourishment in this sense means what it is that I really need… which is often different than what I want. (I wanted those ice cream sundaes!) This practice has been instilled in me by my Zen teacher, Vicki Austin of San Francisco Zen Center.

4. Practice trust and confidence in the natural generosity of the universe, and my own ability to take care of myself in the material world. Fear of not being or having enough is a big one for me… time, money, etc. This period of not having a ‘regular’ job and paycheck is a way to challenge that belief in myself. I wanted to leave room to be support and surprised by the abundance of the universe, and it’s actually been happening a lot as you may gather from reading my blog.

If you're cruising through and reading my blog, I'd love to hear what your current life intentions are, or even what you think about intentions... are they important to you? are they the same or different from goals? what else are ya thinking? Leave a comment below... c'mon, it's fun!

1 comment:

Patty Tumang said...

I intend to face fear with courage, even in times of uncertainty and rootlessness. Thanks Maia for the reminder that we all should practice living life with intention.